A Nice Chat
by Teddicus Lupini
Summary: What REALLY happened the night Anderson invited Donnovan over, and the truth about the state of her knees. Introducing Pickford the Velociraptor, Anderson's boyfriend in my AU. Satan plays a major role in this crackfic.
1. Chapter 1 The secret

10/21/2011

Anderson knew he had to keep his cool. He knew Sherlock would soon be arriving to the crime scene. He didn't even care if Sherlock was confident enough to contaminate the evidence. He was just praying that he wouldn't do one of his 'magic tricks' on himself and Donovan. Even though no-one knew how he did it, it was well-proven he was more than capable of discovering peoples secrets. What Anderson had done though, was unintentionally create a cloak over his secret, hiding it from even the great psychopath himself. It all began when his wife went out of town for the week. He began to get vivid flashbacks of the evening before.

Anderson had been sending constant texts to Sally. He knew she was the only person that would be able to help him with his predicament. As Anderson awaited her arrival, he anxiously guarded the door to his garden shed. He hoped the neighbours didn't hear the racket from within. Containing such a secret from humanity itself was a ridiculous task. Anderson couldn't even lie about having brushed his teeth on the occasions that he didn't, let alone the monstrosity he'd been locked away from the outside world. It was as the pressure of holding off the beast became too much that Sally conveniently arrived.

"I got your texts" she as she walked through the open side gate.

Anderson wasn't sure how to break it to her. He'd hardly believed it himself when he first laid eyes on it. It was both so wrong, yet so irresistible. He'd even had himself tested for drug traces in his system after the second encounter with the beast. Up until just recently, he'd thought the results had been mistaken.

"Yes," Anderson spoke with his standard nasal voice, hiding his nervousness, "I have secret I'd like to show you."

Sally raised an eyebrow.

"You know how I haven't been entirely faithful to my spouse…" he began.

Everyone had their suspicions on who he'd been sleeping with, the logical assumption was indeed Sergeant Donovan, but in actuality they were only close friends.

"…Well, I'd like it if you brace yourself" Anderson spoke with a quiver in his voice that unnerved the both of them. What could Anderson possibly have hidden in his shed? Donovan dreaded to think, but she let out a scream of terror as he opened the door.

It stared into her eyes. And she stared back. The creature's were wild and wicked towards the centre, yet sober and tamed around the edges.

"I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend, Pickford."

"That's a fucking dinosaur!" roared Sally, "How the fuck does that dinosaur even exist?" She flailed and made involuntary noises that he thought no human could be capable of. Anderson tensed his whole body over and tried to keep his voice as low as possible.

"Keep your voice down" he whispered.

"That's. A. Fucking. Dinosaur." She repeated, giving enormous emphasis on each word.

"I know, and I have no idea where it came from or how it got into my backyard in the first place, but I knew I had to keep it hidden from the outside world."

Donovan pulled frustrated and confused looks.

"You said he was your boyfriend…"

"The term 'friends with benefits' is the term I'd prefer to use"

"You're a bigger freak than that Holmes!" she screeched.

Anderson began regret this entire situation. He knew from a young age he loved dinosaurs. They were his passion for his entire childhood. Even part of his obsession leaked into his adulthood from every now and then.

"Sally, I asked you to come here because I need your help. I can't get rid of him on my own."

Sally paused to think, but eventually agreed.

"I'm only doing this for your health and sanity, Barney." She said.

"Don't call me by my name. You know I hate it." He replied sternly.

"We just need to get rid of him before anyone finds out."


	2. Chapter 2 The state of her knees

10/23/2011

The two of them sat in his dining room, drinking coffee and trying to think of effective ways to kill and dispose of the beast.

"We could just starve it to death in your shed" suggested Donovan.

"Too risky. It would draw attention to itself. It would moan and roar like a bitch, progressively worse every day." Anderson countered.

It was after a rather lengthy chat that they had a agreed on how to dispose of the velociraptor.

Anderson stood by the shed door, waiting for Sally to burst in and tackle the beast. She only had one chance, or else she would die. But their friendship reassured them that everything would go according to plan. Well, except for a few things.

They signaled each other with simple eye contact and nods.

Sally braced herself, and prepared the rope.

She knocked down the door with great force, and proceeded to jump behind the startled creature. She attempted to tie up the best from behind, but she underestimated its agility. It leaped at her knees and gashed them with its lengthy claws. Donovan screeched with pain, but didn't let the agony stop her from taking a second attempt at typing it up and pinning it to the concrete floor.

Barney took this opportunity to take his shovel and hit poor Pickford on the head. Immediately the dinosaur lost consciousness. Donovan knew it was safe to take her weight off the beast, as it wasn't going to attack her again. She turned around and got up, walking along the garden path and into the house to clean her wound.

As soon as Barney heard the back door close, and was certain he was alone, he cried on Pickford's cheek. "I love you" he whispered as a tear fell onto Pickford's eyelid. He stroked his lover's scales for a quarter of an hour, and began to dig a hole to bury him into.

Barney placed the lifeless body of Pickford into the neat square gap in the earth he had left. He neatly pushed the dirt he'd dug up back into the hole, making sure to leave a small rounded stone on top, as a tombstone reading 'R.I.P Pickford the Velociraptor, the greatest boyfriend ever' would totally not look conspicuous to his wife.

Barney walked back into his house to find Sally looking rather irritated.

"My knees aren't going to heal for a while, I can tell." She spoke.

Barney didn't know what to say, all he could manage was a "Sorry".

"You can stay over the night if you want" Barney said.

And so Donovan did.


	3. Chapter 3 The Aztec ritual with a catch

10/23/2011

Anderson grabbed the shovel he used to bury Pickford and begun to tear away at the earth, searching for a tiny trace of Pickford's bodily fluids. That was all he needed. He had the innocent children blood and the traces of opium in his bag ready for the ritual. He'd even made the salt into the shape of a dolphin in his kitchen beforehand, just to speed up the process.

Pickford had only been gone from Barney's life for a week, but already his sexual frustration was out of control. He's started to search for dinosaur porn on google as desperation to fulfill his sexual fantasies. There was only two dedicated dinosaur porn websites and they were all posted as jokes to coincide with a cracky aspect of a documentary series made about his enemy Sherlock's cases.

His wife was still out, and he was beginning to suspect that she too was cheating, most likely on an axolotl, according to Sherlock's deductions.

Come to think of it, Anderson thought sleeping with an axolotl wasn't a half bad idea. But enough of the internal ramble, he thought.

He plucked out some underarm fungus from the corpse of Pickford. God it smelt good mixed in with the dirt, Barney thought so.

He stuffed it into his mouth and swallowed. The facial expression he made resembled that of an orgasm. He felt a nice warm fuzzy feeling flow down his spine. He could taste the return of Pickford coming so soon… and it tasted like cool mints.

Anderson bent over the dolphin-shaped salt pattern.

He doubled checked his ancient Aztec book on revival of extinct species.

Damn! He'd made a mistake. It was a hasbro Furby toy that the pattern had to resemble. (Even though Furbies didn't exist in Aztec times lol) he quickly remade the shape into what it needed to be.

He then neatly poured the innocent childrens' blood down his left nostril, making sure he used just enough of the right blood types. He then stuffed the opium into the other nostril and patiently waited for 3 minutes exactly to pass.

Next upon the instructions was to vomit up the body fluids of the deceased. Barney neatly forced his ring finder (with his dirty wedding ring still on lol probably to help with the vomiting lol) and wriggled it around.

Almost immediately the underarm fungus came flowing out through his throat and looked quite attractive for vomit. It spread perfectly around the shape of the furby salted thingy so it looked like furby pizza (LOL!).

Then he blew his nose. All the gross blood and opium made a layer of icing of the furby cake (lol I thought it was pizza idk I think I need to proof-read my fics lol).

Then he lit it alight.

Satan appeared (except he looked like a red genie from Aladdin because he is trapped inside the furby) and said

"What do you want Pickfor Rajubamanalama back from the grave for?"

Anderson sounded extra nasal when he spoke this time

"I want to love him, both emotionally and physically"

Satan smiled and said "It's nice to know you love dinosaurs for sex"

"I know right" said Barney smiling like Patrick Star from Spongebob when he gets happy for no real reason.

"Okay, but there is one condition that will go with this deal of bringing back your boyfriend" said Satan "And the condition is-"

"STFU AND GIVE ME MY BOYFRIEND BACK" screamed Barney like a 4 year old.

"K" said Satan and went back to hell so he could talk to Gadafi. (get it because he died the other day lol)

Then everything went bang and the screen went white (lol cos I'm pretending this is an episode)

Then when Anderson woke up the next day, he found himself in bed with Pickford.

Everything was going better than expected.

He stepped outside to find (DUN DUN DUNNN) everyone was treating their dinosaurs as slaves!

Satan appeared (but in a way so only Anderson could see him).

"I made it so that humanity is treating dinosaurs as slaves!" said Satan (but now he was black coloured and looked like a kirby) "I changed time so that dinosaurs have blended into human society, and they aren't getting equal rights. Also, people who are found to be in relationships with dinosaurs are sentenced to death."

"BUT I JUST FUCKED PICKFORD MY DINOSAUR BOYFRIEND" SCREAMED Anderson.

Then the cops found him and put him in the electric chair.

"Lol time to die" said Lestrade.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Chapter 4 The disguise

10/23/2011

Previously on this fanfic series:  
>Crack<p>

Satanic rituals

Interspecies secks.

(K let's start the new ep now I MEAN STORY LOL)

"Any last words" asked Lestrade.

"Yes actually." Said Anderson.

"K what are they?" asked Lestrade.

"FUCK YOU I'M A DINOSAUR" roared Anderson and he stomped around (yet somehow he was still tied to the chair).

"K prove it" said Lestrade.

Anderson got out of the chair and pulled on a purple dinosaur costume that was so convincing it's currently circulating on tumblr.

"Woah seems legit!" yelled Lestrade and he let Barney go.

Barney had to stomp and roar and sing "I love you, you love me" all the way home so people would think he was a dinosaur.

Everyone, even Sherlock thought he actually was one.

When he got home he had a quick relief shag with Pickford before he did anything else.

"There's a problem" said Barney to his (SPOILERS! soon to be husband)

"Groan roar moan bitch bite scratch quick shag" said Pickford (which is dinosaur for "give me all the exposition for this fic so the writer can get the hell on with it").

"K," started Barney, still in his purple suit, "We need to legalize dinosapien marriage."

"Grunt tear off scrotum to feed to the homeless" said Pickford. (It doesn't actually mean anything in dinosaur, he was just horny).

"K so how are going to legalize our marriage?" asked Barney, now without his scrotum.

"WAIT" said Barney.

He pulled out his Aztec satanic rituals book

BUT THEN satan

"LOLNO BARNEY YOU CANNOT LEGALISE THAT SORT OF MARRIAGE. YOU LIVE IN A SOCIETY WHERE ACCEPTENCE IS FROWNED UPON ANG IGNORANCE IS THE NORM"

The end.

(OF CHAPTAH ONEEEEE)


	5. Chapter 5  The revelations

10/24/2011

Then Anderson decided he could dispose of Satan for the time being.

A brilliant idea sprung in his dino-head.

He then proceeded to kill lady gaga.

She then appeared at the gates of heaven and God(tiss) said "You're going to hell for crimes against fashion" (get it because Mark Godtiss is gay in real life) So then Satan was too busy having a tea party with lady gaga to try and stop Anderson from marrying his dinosaur boyfriend.

"Okay, so how are we going to get married?" asked Barney.

"I do not know, man" said Pickford (I want to rename him Verna because I reckon it suits him more).

"How about we change time again, but this time remove religion, so society will stop being so fucking judgmental?" suggested Barney

"I'm hungry can I eat Stephen Fry?" asked Verna, because she was hungry. (She also had a sex and name change within the space of about 8 seconds)

"Why are you a woman now" asked Belinda.

"Wait-" she paused to think, "I'm a woman as well."

Anderson was very concerned to find the pan where his scrotum had been just moments ago was now replaced by the feeling of menstruation.

"WHAT THE FLUNBBSADJAWASDA IS HAPPENING?" he asked.

"I deduce that everyone's gender and name has suddenly changed" deduced Shirley. She had just knocked down the door. She was in a pink bikini. Jo was there too. She now had red hair that resembled Catherine Tate's.

"WIYVBDSEFNSF WHY AND HOW" axed Bertha (her name had changed again DUN DUN DUN)

"Please, stop it with the shouting." Requested Shirley.

"Shirley, can you just jump to the well-directed, perfectly scored and performed deduction sequence?" asked Jo impatiently.

"It's obvious isn't it? The last episode of Sherlock ended on a cliffhanger, and suddenly everything is getting more confusing by the minute, with no decent explanation as to how anything links together. I doubt a deduction is needed at all to explain this situation."

Jo, Verna and Belinda just sat there, with a vacant expression.

"It's obvious. Come on!" she yelled, impatiently.

"It's not obvious to me" said Lestrade, jumping through a wall rather casually. (it's cool how he doesn't change his name because Lestrade is his last name so I don't have to change it)

"Neither to me" said Jimantha, climbing out of an inflatable pool in Belina's bathroom.

"Yeah Curly, none of us get it" said Salem Donovan.

"Well, nearly every central character is here to say they can't follow waht is happning, except suspiciously the character played by Godtiss."

Everybody was frozen by shock. They understood.

"Does this mean," began Belinda, "that great troll and Godtiss are behind this?"

"Oh god I was beginning to think you'd never deduce that." Said Shirley.

Suddenly a giant beast that was covered in lumps and had a sort of mini-afro smashed down Belinda's house and killed off everyone.

On-screen caption: "SHERLOCK WILL RETURN IN TWO YEARS TIME"

Mark Gatiss sat up from his armchair and removed his glasses.

"Are you seriously going to use this as the story outline for series 2?" he asked.

A dark shadow spoke with a deep, dark, evil voice.

"Why yes I am." The demon laughed maniacally.

"If you seriously do this I am cancelling the show." Gatiss spoke calmly.

"Then so be it." The shadow was grinning like a madman.

The last thing Mark Gatiss ever saw was a red light appear on his forehead, as he heard the rushing smash of his lounge room window.


End file.
